and.

i had a vision today where i walked
through the deserts
and
woods
and on the highways
all the way back home.
and
i would probably do it if you just said
you wanted me to come back home.
and
maybe i’d think of you the whole way
and
maybe i’d sleep under neon signs
and gas station lights
with the flickering lights
and families of moths around them
and
i’d get to your place and
sit outside until i was wet from dew
and
tired from roaming the earth
and
you would walk out and see me
and it would all be worth it.
but for now
i’m way the fuck over here
and you,
you are way the fuck over there.

i thought you were the sweetest dream
you showed up right after a nightmare
seeing your face was a relief
like a sweet song at a funeral.
hair in your face
hands in your pockets
i was invisible
i watched you stroll down a dark alley
and i couldn’t follow.
i woke up and had a cup of coffee
your image still fresh in my mind
like warm breath on a cold window
like warm breath on a cold window
like the last thing i saw before i died.
i thought you were the sweetest dream
slipping through my fingers like
i thought you were the sweetest dream.

maybe

maybe if i’m lost
i can write
maybe if i’m lonely
i have cause to bear my soul
maybe you’ll say no
and i’ll have time
to share my mind.
my love is like a lost child
it doesn’t know where it is going
and it doesn’t know how to get there
all it knows is what home is like
with sunlight in the windows
and the feel of falling asleep at night.
so i’ll try to find my way
but if you’re not home when i get there
then maybe i can write.

this one’s for you.

in california
beaches and tans
and mexicans.
slept all night
don’t remember a thing
and i’m trying to forget
about home
so i can remember you.
i walk the streets with a girl
in the back of my head
sure, waves are peaceful
but i’d rather have her instead.

wake up on one side of a continent
go to sleep on another.
remember an ancient world
i see my childhood unfold before my eyes.
the heat, the air, the unseen passage of time as life goes on and during all of this i think of you.
i’m tired
i’m hot
i’m confused
and i’m a little unprepared
but i think of you and you light a match in my stomach.
oh brave new world!
what have you done?
nature has enticed my wandering spirit,
only after i have found something
that i don’t want to wander away from.
i sweat as i write,
my skin sticks to my clothes,
but you send the coolest of breezes across my face
inside my mind
and down the streets of my lonely soul.

i still dream about you once in awhile. i like to wake up and smoke a cigarette and wonder what my mind is doing when i’m not inhabiting it. i think we’d be great together, until i do that thing where i lose all interest in you and wander off. maybe i wouldn’t do that with you. maybe you’re different. i wish i knew.

sometimes…

sometimes i think if we made it, it would be the most beautiful thing ever. but i know the beaches of california will be there when i arrive. i don’t know if you’ll be here even if i waited my whole life. hopefully the sands of her beaches are more satisfying than the freckles on your chest. if i just had the nerve to pin you down and fuck you, to put everything i have and feel into one single, solitary moment.. then maybe i could show you. but instead i saw you under a streetlight on a warm summer night and i passed right along. i had my chance and i threw it under the tread of my own feet. i did that thing where i think i don’t need girls, so i sit at home and distract myself from all that was lost in life and love.

i’m moving out to california in 16 days.